INFJ (MBTI Personality Type)

The INFJ Male and Sex

My frequency of sexual connections has peaked and troughed at various stages in my life. Much of that variation has to do with maturity, emotional health, self-discovery… and times where I’ve been in monogamous relationships or have abstained from sex and relationships altogether.

When I first read about INFJ traits, I found it hard to reconcile the descriptions I read with my actual experiences. I simply didn’t fit the INFJ stereotype because I have had numerous sexual partners.

There’s been times of stress/hurt where I’ve fallen foul of toxic Se ‘grip’ indulgences; which have sometimes included a high level of promiscuity. What I did at those times when I was hurt, stressed or emotionally drained was to “f*ck the pain away” in a cold-hearted way that only actually served to screw me up even more. There was always a back-lash of self-recrimination and guilt.

‘Male society’ also taught me that I should be proud of sexual “success”, but in truth I felt ashamed deep down inside. It also took me a very long time to consciously grasp that I craved intimacy, not physical gratification.

I needed intimacy, and mistakenly believed I could meet that need through casual physical connections. Other men I knew were entirely satisfied by physical sex. I could only follow their example – and couldn’t understand why it left me personally so unfulfilled.

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As a result, I resorted to seeking more sex, and wilder sex; in a spiral chasing satisfaction – when it was the exact opposite of what I actually needed.

Doing so also caused havoc because I’d open a flood gate to pour out so much intimacy and affection – with inappropriate partners in otherwise casual encounters. Intended ‘casual’ partners sometimes (often) found that addictive, and it led to them pursuing me into very toxic, incompatible and obviously ill-advised relationships.

Another (perhaps bizarre?) factor that, at times, led me into sex was that I felt sincerely and compassionately it could help someone heal or develop. In no way was this a self-justification for using vulnerable people.

Whilst I couldn’t (and didn’t) offer any serious commitment, I could give someone the intimacy, affection and affirmation that they needed at that point in their lives. Whilst hard to express in words, it was emotional giving, not physical.

I still find myself a little jealous of people who can enjoy uncomplicated sex. Obviously, I’m a red-blooded male with sexual needs….and I have (am tempted with) a wealth of opportunities.

What I’ve learned conclusively, however, is that I’m far happier and healthier being alone, being selective and imposing self-control over physical needs… in favor of my emotional needs.

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Originally posted 2019-06-12 06:08:32.

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