My frequency of sexual connections has peaked and troughed at various stages in my life. Much of that variation has to do with maturity, emotional health, self-discovery… and times where I’ve been in monogamous relationships or have abstained from sex and relationships altogether.
When I first read about INFJ traits, I found it hard to reconcile the descriptions I read with my actual experiences. I simply didn’t fit the INFJ stereotype because I have had numerous sexual partners.
There’s been times of stress/hurt where I’ve fallen foul of toxic Se ‘grip’ indulgences; which have sometimes included a high level of promiscuity. What I did at those times when I was hurt, stressed or emotionally drained was to “f*ck the pain away” in a cold-hearted way that only actually served to screw me up even more. There was always a back-lash of self-recrimination and guilt.
‘Male society’ also taught me that I should be proud of sexual “success”, but in truth I felt ashamed deep down inside. It also took me a very long time to consciously grasp that I craved intimacy, not physical gratification.
I needed intimacy, and mistakenly believed I could meet that need through casual physical connections. Other men I knew were entirely satisfied by physical sex. I could only follow their example – and couldn’t understand why it left me personally so unfulfilled.
As a result, I resorted to seeking more sex, and wilder sex; in a spiral chasing satisfaction – when it was the exact opposite of what I actually needed.
Doing so also caused havoc because I’d open a flood gate to pour out so much intimacy and affection – with inappropriate partners in otherwise casual encounters. Intended ‘casual’ partners sometimes (often) found that addictive, and it led to them pursuing me into very toxic, incompatible and obviously ill-advised relationships.
Another (perhaps bizarre?) factor that, at times, led me into sex was that I felt sincerely and compassionately it could help someone heal or develop. In no way was this a self-justification for using vulnerable people.
Whilst I couldn’t (and didn’t) offer any serious commitment, I could give someone the intimacy, affection and affirmation that they needed at that point in their lives. Whilst hard to express in words, it was emotional giving, not physical.
I still find myself a little jealous of people who can enjoy uncomplicated sex. Obviously, I’m a red-blooded male with sexual needs….and I have (am tempted with) a wealth of opportunities.
What I’ve learned conclusively, however, is that I’m far happier and healthier being alone, being selective and imposing self-control over physical needs… in favor of my emotional needs.
Originally posted 2019-06-12 06:08:32.