by Andy Davis.
Every time you hurt or seriously disappoint an INFJ, they’ll withdraw slightly from intimacy. That’s a big deal to an INFJ – it means their trust, respect and confidence in the relationship’s future becomes inexorably diminished.
You probably won’t notice that emotional separation occurring; as the INFJs auxiliary extroverted Feeling (Fe) function drives an innate need to create harmonization; and that will prompt them to conceal all external sign of their inner disquiet or dissatisfaction.
If the upsetting behaviour continues and shows no sign of stopping, the INFJ will ultimately lose all interest and disregard you.
INFJ personality types are typically very talented in predicting the future. That innate talent includes understanding when a relationship is going nowhere, or when a partner will not, or cannot, change.
If they care about the other person, the INFJ will give them ample chances to change their upsetting behaviour, even at the cost of disregarding their own powerful intuitions.
Giving those additional chances stems from the INFJ resorting to their tertiary introverted Thinking (Ti) function. When the INFJ is unable, or unwilling, to cause themselves the emotional pain of leaving someone they love, they often resort to hiding behind their judging Ti function and casting doubt on the conclusions that their dominant, perceiving, Ni is screaming at them.
The Ni function doesn’t provide the INFJ with ‘cast iron’ tangible or factual objective certainties. So we’re always tempted to ignore it when a tough, painful decision has to be made.
Ignoring our primary Ni means of perception leaves our less capable judging functions, Fe and Ti, in control. They combine to make us rationalize giving more chances, even though our Ni increasingly perceives that relationship problems are irresolvable.
The INFJ may be Ni-Ti “looping” during that process. This process manifests as the classic ‘heart versus head‘ battle, but for the INFJ it can easily spiral out-of-control to a stage of obsessive ‘over-thinking’ that can damage their emotional, and even physical, health and well-being.
Ultimately, the INFJ will have to start trusting their Ni, thus breaking the loop, and then it’s game over. When their internalized ‘intuition versus thinking’ process finally resolves, so does any effort at harmonization from their Fe.
With the Fe-driven need for harmony abandoned, that seemingly warm and caring INFJ becomes ice cold. They will appear entirely Ti driven as far as the other person is concerned. Not a shred of Fe produced empathy towards them. It’s not an act.
If you’re very intimate with the INFJ, platonically or romantically, then that suddenly frozen disregard will probably be a huge and crushing shock that you didn’t see coming. Hence, “door slam” effect.