by Andy Davis.
I notice that many people either ask questions about the INFJ “door slam” or mistakenly attribute it to very different scenarios.
Here’s my explanation of the ‘door-slam’ from an INFJ perspective:
The INFJ ‘door slam’ is an entirely involuntary and subconscious process, leading to complete and irrevocable cessation of emotional connection to another person. Contrary to some misunderstandings by non-INFJ, or INFJ mistypes, it is not the conscious act of deciding to angrily, or emotionally, “slamming a door” closed on their partner.
For the INFJ, the opposite of love is not to hate, to be angry, bitter or sad, but rather it is simply the absence of any care.
To the partner, the INFJ door slam appears sudden but, in many cases, is actually just a ‘final straw’ that occurs when the other person has acted continually in a way to breakdown trust, respect and intimacy within a deeper romantic, platonic, professional or social relationship.
The door slam is not a conscious decision on the INFJs behalf – but rather it comes unexpectedly and unpredictably from their subconscious. The inter-personal gateway merely slams shut towards the partner, who is thereafter excluded from the INFJ’s emotional considerations.
Whilst outwardly appearing ‘normal’ prior to the door slam, the INFJ may be disguising or concealing a deep sense of inner-dissatisfaction in the relationship. This dissatisfaction within the INFJ makes them increasingly question the prudence of having let the other person get too close.
A very self-aware INFJ may acutely aware of feeling the subsidence of inter-personal intimacy and, most certainly, will have also expended a huge deal of emotional and cognitive energy processing solutions and outcomes to the problems they perceive in the relationship.
An INFJ may, or may not, actually warn the partner of this internalized deterioration in intimacy – although a very sensitive partner may notice a subtle reduction in the INFJs willingness to be intimate (rather than just physical) in sexual activity or in openly sharing their inner-most thoughts and feelings.
What makes the door-slam appear sudden is that the INFJ will attempt to conceal the progressive breakdown of emotional intimacy within themselves. They will adopt a positive exterior persona as a means of still trying to rescue the relationship – up until the point where they suddenly emotionally implode and all care and intimacy towards the other person cease.
A door-slam can be sudden though: if the partner does something so terribly hurtful and irreconcilable that it causes an immediate and total emotional withdrawal.
The INFJ won’t feel hurt, they won’t feel angry or bitter, and they won’t feel any sense of loss. In their cognitive process, the partner has simply been proven unsuitable for the future and is, in essence, irrelevant and erased from any further consideration.
In nearly every instance, a true INFJ door slam is irrecoverable: the other person is forever excluded from their emotional core.
For a description of how the door slam works with respect to the INFJ cognitive function dynamics, please see ‘On the Cognitive Function Mechanics of the INFJ Door Slam‘.
Originally posted 2019-07-07 06:51:47.