by Andy Davis.
As an INFJ, I’ve noticed that my relationships typically end in one of three patterns:
The relationship wasn’t compatible and/or wasn’t working properly. There is good communication and both people can maturely acknowledge that fact: going their own separate ways with no hard feelings or sense of loss. Both have behaved decently throughout, been caring and considerate. There are no regrets on either side.
People aren’t ‘bad’ for ending a relationship because they simply don’t find a “forever connection” with you. Ignore the toxic advice which would suggest having such an attitude… it’s unhealthy.
LOSS OF INTIMACY:
For varied reasons, emotional and/or sexual intimacy subsided or failed to grow. This mostly leads to a purely platonic ending – and we can even keep in touch thereafter.
This, I believe, can be common in INFJs – who need very high levels of emotional and sexual intimacy to achieve relationship satisfaction.
There is a danger that a less-experienced INFJ will have tried hard to shape the intimacy they needed… and this can appear similar to a “love bomb” in the earlier stages of a relationship. Mature INFJs may learn to avoid doing this, as it causes hurt to the partner through building unrealistic expectations – which then get shatterered.
A healthy, balanced, INFJ will want to do everything possible to avoid hurting people, especially those they care about. But learning how to do that is a somewhat haphazard process of development through life experience.
This is, I feel, why many of us become increasingly more selective and non-commital to relationships as we mature; even to the extent where we accept never finding a permanent relationship.
The partner has proven themselves irrevocably unethical, selfish, one-sided, dishonest and/or disloyal. I’ve worked hard to make these work and hoped the partner would change. Only after repeated chances and warnings, I’ve suddenly and completely cut them from my life.
In every instance this has happened, the partner has been unable to move on cleanly with their lives. They have attempted communication (trying to get “another chance”) for months, EVEN YEARS, afterwards.
They feel a huge loss and regret. Whilst I’m keenly aware of that, and hate to cause anyone hurt; the door slam was my absolute last resort for self-preservation. It’s also not a conscious choice – it happens internally: all feelings for them suddenly vanish. Thereafter, I’m simply numb to them and unaffected.
For more on the INFJ door slam, read:
There’s inherent karma with how you treat an INFJ in a relationship.
Originally posted 2019-06-10 17:02:19.